I knew they would leave one day. Of course I did, that’s what kids do, they destroy every aspect of your life and then leave you in the dust. And we love them all the more for it. When they are little you convince yourself you know them so well that you can tell when their cells divide. Then one day you look at this part of yourself and realize that you don’t know anything about them, that somehow, even though you were staring at them the entire time, they managed to morph into a completely separate being. That is a very hard day to be a mom.
My firstborn left almost nine years ago, his brother nearly six. You’d think I’d be used to it by now but I’m not. They come home a fair amount, the younger one even came back home to live for a few months to realign his life, but it’s different. Once they’ve been out on their own the rubber band of your bond is stretched more tightly. A wrong move, one too many questions and it will snap back right in your face.
That MOM button, damn that thing is a bitch to turn off. It’s not that I want them to be helpless little boys forever, but do they really have to not need their mommy anymore?
Of course I know the answer to that question and it’s on me to let them go and become the mature, responsible men I raised them to be. But where does that leave me?
I’ll tell you where. It leaves me second guessing myself and often feeling like the chubby girl waiting by the phone after giving the captain of the football team a little more of herself than she meant to.
OK, so it isn’t all rainbows. Still, I get that it’s the whole circle of life thing; you birth ‘em, raise ‘em up, they leave. Part of what gives them the ability to leave is they have to rebel, to hate you a tiny little bit, or they probably couldn’t leave at all. But it isn’t all doom and gloom. There are lots of laughs too. What could be better than liking your kids as not just your kids, but as people? Loving them comes pretty easily, but genuinely liking them, that’s a sweet bonus.
I began this blog as a way to both help myself transition to the next phase of childfree existence, as well as to chronicle the joys and sorrows of doing so. Lets see how all this works out…